"I have finished the race ..."

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
(2 Timothy 4:7)

Beverly Faye Grayson

November 15, 1934 - April 24, 2012

"Rejoice in the Lord..."

Philippians 4:4-7

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 also says, "Give thanks in all circumstances..." so here we are, with a very bad CT, in fact, there is nothing left for us to do except let God and nature take its course. I have fought for 8, going on 9 years in May with 7 surgeries, 5 of them major, and 8 chemos, 2 rounds of radiation and there is no fight left...my body is worn out.

I have struggled over the years with these Bible passages--how can I be thenkful for cancer? I have come to peace with the answer...this time has brought many blessings, and I have lived to see our 9 "greats" being born, I have drawn closer to God than I believe I ever would have, in a much deeper walk, been able to co-author a devotioonal book which Cathy Messecar and I hope can find a publisher and come out this fall. I pray the book will give anyone in this battle, the courage and knowledge that God is there, with you, all the way.

I see other blessings, as my body wears out, that I will not outlive the other physical problems that would arise in me, creating more physical ailments. God is removing me in time to prevent kidney failure, and other illnesses I praise Him each day as I walk closer to my God and depend on my saviour Jesus to welcome me home sometime soon. I am sad to leave John but not sad to leave this beast--cancer--that has inhabited me for so long now.

Other family stories coming up as I think back over the years.

"I love the Lord, for He heard my voice..."

For a week, all I have done is "crawl " from bed to couch and back again, too tired at night to even think, let alone write. Today was minimally better, in that I might feel a little more strength. I need to because tomorrow I go for CT, head, chest, abdomen and trunk..the whole works. My doctor wasts to see if there is any cancer in my brain, causing this continuing nausea. It has been 3 weeks since chemo and I did not "bounce back" at all!

As I am semi-awake, I think of more memories...snippets of happenings..like when Cathy took Agriculture class It her high school, the first girl to ever do this. That was he sophomore year and by the time she was a senior, there were lots of girls in the class. They learned how to saw beams/rafters, how to castrate bulls, how to do much of what is done around the farm. She loved it. Years later when she started her decorating business, guess who knew how to cut boards and "dress" curtains on them! No knowledge is ever wasted.

One little thing Grandma used to say--to me, "are you my child or Mary's?" I was over there so much it was hard to tell!

Another thing, she would have "sinking spells" occasionally and she would say, " if you come in and I am lying on the floor, just step over me, ignore me, and I won't cry"...how funny, I guess these were depressions? who knows.

Psalm 116:1-2 says..."I love the Lord for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned his ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live."

i have not written for 4 days because I have been too weak, nauseous, shaky, crawl from bed to couch, sick...Also, because this was my 3rd week off chemo Cathy Messecar came for us to finish the layout of my (and our) devotional book that is based on the blog and life of a cancer patient. Part of the time, I lay on the couch and we went thru manuscripts and part from a chair. Either way, Zofran is keeping we going some what, but food is not very good.

I went to Dr Infante today and "everything depends on what the CT shows next week." He wants to also do a scan of my head to make sure the cancer has not spread. Anyway, he keeps reminding me that "by all rights I should have been gone 6 years ago". He is very honest with me and I will update as I find out more.

For now, I am so blessed to be alive and have taken part in the 9 "greats" lives. God is still in control and I depend on Him....Isaiah 55: 8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord..."

Later in 55:12 He says, " You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."

"Jesus is the same yesterday, and today and forever..."

This verse is Hebrews 13:8 and I depend on this truth...

A horrible weekend, lots of throwing up and just on the couch or in bed...I do not know what is going on and why I am so sick! I have never done all this before. That is all I have to say, just that I wonder if my liver is failing and causing the extreme nausea. Whatever it is, I cannot function like this. Please God, ease me................

"Fear not for I am with you..."

I realize I have not written in several days, but I have been too "sick" to say anything except negative stuff!Mon, Tues, Wed were for the most part on the bed or couch..just too weak and nauseous to function hardly. Today was Dr day and we had a good discussion, regarding where I am and what to do. First I had lots of blood drawn, then a thyroid function test to determine how the chemo is affecting my thyroid then the Dr. thought I needed some fluids so I got that with some steroid and another something ( I failed to write that one down) and he agreed with us that the amount of chemo was affecting my quality of life, (besides I get a CT before we start back on April 12). So if that shows that the chemo is working, I can stand most anything! But we also agreed the dosage needed to be adjusted down some. The side effects are just too much to handle. Just think---in one month, I start into my 9Th year of all this!!!God has kept me alive for whatever wondrous reason, but I surely am thankful!

As I was leaving there was a small older lady (my age) whom I had never seen before--said she had been there 4 years--who was sitting waiting for chemo and reading her Bible. I spoke to her and she said "God bless you" I asked her how long, etc...then I said we are only here through God's grace and she again said "God bless you"
Was she an angel sent to encourage me? I have never seen her in the 6 years I have been at SC but I felt especially blessed to have talked to her.

I very slowly drove to art tonight and sat and talked to everyone for an hour then came home--did not try to paint. They were all so loving and welcoming and oh, how I miss them! I don't know when I will be able to go back, since chemo is always on Thursdays, but they are saving my "place" for me! I love them all so much and really miss our fellowship! They are indeed like a "care group".

"Fear not for I am with you...be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

"Be merciful to me , O God, be merciful to me..."

When John graduated from high school, his mother suggested she and John take a train trip to California and back. John's Dad said "no way, and he certainly was not going"...(Remember Grandad worked for the rail road for 60 years) at that time he of course was not that old...well so Gertie (John's mother) and John planned their trip including going to see one of her girl friends from growing up, and two cousins who lived in Nevada and they got all excited. After a few weeks, Grandad took over and got ticket, planned the entire itinerary, bunks for sleeping, dining cars and the whole bit!

The route included going northern from Nashville, to St Louise to Salt Lake City , Nevada and on into California, then coming back thru El Pa so Texas, New Orleans and back to Nashville. They were gone at least two weeks. There are some great old pictures and Grandad looked like he was having fun!

When they were in Nevada they went to La's Vegas, and at that time, it had maybe 3 cassino's, and was just getting started but they really enjoyed themselves. Just think--that was 65 years ago!

Well, my legs are still swollen, and "weep", which is distressing...I guess the wraps and stockings will be a comfort. I am going to ask Thursday "just how bad a shape am I in?" Last night's pain was pretty bad but today has been good and I think I can sleep without a pain pill. I cannot figure it out! I have always told my doctor to be honest with me and I am not sure lately if he is or not.

We did yard work today and it felt so good to be outside and doing gardening, painting the porch furniture, etc. I may pay for it tomorrow! I have to move very slowly and I certainly am not my usual self in doing things like that.

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge, until the destroying storms pass by. I cry to God most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me. Psalm 57:1-2