Autumn days

Psalm 19:1 says "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands." As we go through this autumn week of nearly perfect weather, blue skies, wonderful sunsets and leaves prettier and more colorful than in many years...this verse came to mind. Since I am a "practicing artist" I look at the colors in the sunsets and wonder HOW would I match that color? WHAT paints would I mix to try and come close to these colors? Matching God's sunset would be next to impossible...so we do the best we can to come close to these marvelous hues. Am I avoiding the obvious subject??As another chemo day comes close again on next Tuesday, I am getting nervous..wondering if I will feel worse than this last week. I am still shaky, nauseous, sleepy...and food tastes strange. I am hungry but really don't enjoy what I eat. I have not lost much weight which is a "big" thing-- nurses always check for that. Friends and family tell me I look thin and I wonder "do I look sick?" Next weekend is a family reunion and I really would like to be able to do that. So, various emotional feelings--trying to not worry, or obsess, or "borrow trouble"..... and always, HATE the loss of a "normal" life, which Cancer takes away. So I am thankful for the prayers of many, praying also that I will do as God wants me to do. So today, is a rambling mind! Maybe tomorrow, another wondrous autumn day will sooth my mind.

End of a long week

Today was the fifth day(Monday-Friday)of going to the Clinic for treatments and checking on blood and heart, etc. This has been a very, very long week!!!I have been steadily going "down hill" since Tuesday's chemo. I asked the nurse today if the effects would be cumulative over the weeks and she did not know. That is the way of experimental drugs--not enough people have been treated to know what all the chemical can and will do. I am shaky, unsteady on my feet, nauseous, and "cold". My right knee is swollen half again more than normal, due to arthritis settling in that spot. All three times the chemotherapy has caused this to happen in various joints and places on my body--hands, feet, knees usually. There will be another treatment next Tuesday then a week with none. I will have to focus on that week . Times like this I think, "can I really do this any longer"? Then, of course, the will to live kicks in! I will pray for a good day next Tuesday to be as good as the last one--with lots of spiritual help and prayers from family and friends. I have a bracelet,given to me by a deceased friend whose daughter died of cancer a number of years ago. The bracelet says "With God all things are possible" and I wear this bracelet every day, to show the world I believe this to be true and also to remind myself every day that as Luke 1:37 says, "With God, nothing shall be impossible." I wrote last week that I sold my Loom, and met the lovely lady who bought it--God just keeps putting wonderful caring Christ-followers in my path for encouragement! I received a package from this new friend today with a hand-crocheted "Prayer Shawl" ---I was just overwhelmed by this gift. The card with it tells how this ministry was begun in 1988 by Janet Bristow and Victoria Galo. There is a website on the card: www.shawlministry.com . I had never heard of this ministry. So whenever I am "down" God provides. Yes, it has been a long week but I can do this, I can go another week, I can "do all things through Him".

"Under the mighty hand of God--"

Today has been a "going downhill day"...I think the chemo has caught up with me. I am shaky, weak and tired. A friend told me to picture the cancer cells being eaten up by a bunch of little "pokemons"..so I am mentally telling myself this!!! I had my daily blood draw at the Center, did not feel that bad, but as the day has gone on, down hill big time! I missed going to art class tonight..did not feel like it. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God---casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart---

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Today was a followup to the treatments yesterday, an EKG, and more blood drawing ( everyday things nearly). There was a listing of side effects, so far a few minor, I pray they stay minor! A little neuropathy in my fingers, a sleepless night last night due to the bag of steroids yesterday, a little nausea--not bad--so in light of what we are praying this will accomplish, the side effects are things I can LIVE with! The hair loss will happen about week three..I have had this twice and it is really not so bad..I have a good wig. Tonight was a good church night, lots of prayer affirmations and I knew this is what so amazingly got me thru yesterday!!!
We went thru Christmas decorations this week and are getting rid of about half our usual decorations--at one time, I had a tree in every room of the house..I will try to limit myself to several small trees in one room. This downsizing of possessions is painful..as we try to sell our home and move into an apartment in our daughter's home. I know things on this earth are temporal, but it still "hurts" as we give or sell so many "things" and move into one of our final places to live on this earth. My memory of my grandmother as she did this, was to see her go from a very nice large home to a nursing home with her most prized possessions in a basket she carried from her room to the sitting area of the home--in this basket was her Bible, large print Reader's Digest and a few greeting cards from family. We shall all be downsized to a basket at some point , trusting in the Lord to guide us along these steps in our lives.

Chemo Day + Lots more

Well this is the dayI had dreaded so much--and anticipated for so long. The first bad CT was in August, so it took nearly three months to go thru the surgery, get approved for the "Study" at Sarah Cannon Center, and receive the experimental chemical first (AZD7762) then today, finally, the first Chemotherapy (Irinotecan). Today's injections involved a bag of steroids, a bag of anti nausea, the bag of irinotecan and the bag of AZD---,plus two skin biopsies from my arm, multiple blood drawings and vital-signs check all day...we were there from 6:45 AM until 5:30 PM . I just KNEW today would be horrible and such a long day, and so much pain--needle sticks, etc.. Wow, did I ever misjudge God's power to keep me uplifted beyond all expectations! Two of my nurses shared their love of God and their personal relationship with Jesus and we nearly cried, being so aware of God's goodness and being part of His plan for our lives. Daphne told me of her singing in church and I found this on You Tube--what a blessing! This was a trememdous answer to prayers--to have this day be such an "upper" day and not the "downer" day I had anticipated. I am so lacking in faith, even "--for I KNOW whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day" II Timothy 1:12. So thank you to my wonderful nurses, even those who did not mention being Christ followers who showed their love and care in every thing they did today and do every day at that Center. One nurse, Connie, talked about two of her church friends who are suffering cancer: one a young woman,Vicki, who has three young daughters, the other an older woman,Adie, suffering cancer for the 5th time and the inspiration the older woman is for the younger. Please pray for these women and give Vicki the wisdom to choose the treatment that will give her many more years to raise her daughters. I realize nausea is ever-present, and other side effects, but we are excited to be part of God's plan and know this chemo will make a difference in ridding my body of cancer.

Friends and Remembrances

Wow, I am doing alot of remembering lately!!A friend and I were remembering when we did alot of camping and what fun we had playing "spoons". Four-six of us families would camp together, pulling old picnic tables up close, circling our tents around the campfire, and play games up to midnight. We would stop short of broken fingers but play pretty much "to the death" with spoons. You pass cards around the table (having one less spoon than people) and when a set of certain cards was achieved, that person would "slip" a spoon from the stack, then bedlam breaks loose...this proceeds until only two people are left with one spoon between them. Of course, the loosers are busy making "s'mores" so they really don't care. One of our favorite places was Falls Creek Falls..lots of hiking and long ago, there were no steps to the bottom of the falls. There was a cable and we would tie our smaller children to us and all of us would climb down the cable; good swimming at the bottom!This was a perfect fun place for us with our Johny..he was equal to to everyone else in the woods!! So my friend and I were remembering all these fun things, and when I went for the blood- drawing today, it did not seem so bad..I guess my mind was full of wonderful memories. We remembered one really hot August weekend, when we sat in the creek all day, kids playing, and our just sitting there talking. One friend was a great fireside cook and made the best pancakes on a griddle over the fire!Well, I can talk about these good times again sometime..and always "Give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good; for His mercy endureth forever." IChronicles 16:34 ;and, know tomorrow is an adventure, starting the chemo, hoping this chemical will really, really make it work even better! I will NOT be anxious!

Sunday musings

I got to go to church today--first actual Sunday service in six weeks at my home church..it is very difficult to not hug anyone..so many friends..lots of just touch hands, then lots of hand sanitizer...flu is rampant, so are colds and viruses. A very quiet day, sunny but cold, good nap day! I am very lacking in ambition these days. I know there are lots of things to do--notes to write, books to read, I am two days behind on my Bible-in-a-year reading! I have not skipped a day, some days just cannot get through the entire reading without going to sleep... and I confess I go to sleep praying! I was reading a blog and the writer spoke on this. Does this make me a bad person??Frankly, I feel very comforted going to sleep while talking to God. When I wake up during the night and cannot sleep, I get back to sleep praying and talking to God. I hope and pray He does not feel I am being disrespectful, but comforted as a child being with her Father! So these are my musings today, thinking about not being grateful enough for my strong, healthy body when I was younger. When I was growing up, my Mother said "I had a sturdy body"...well, no teenager wants to be thought of as "sturdy"! However, my sturdy body has been my "life-saver" making me able to do treatments a weaker person could not have done. Thinking about being grateful for the life I have now, even though it is being gradually limited...I am grateful for the great grandchildren and being with them when ever we can...never thought we would have GREATS! As they get older and can really interact it is so fun to be with them! Thinking about friends and the fun and good times we have had over the years.
So, this is not really about anything except, thinking...and going for the blood "stuff" tomorrow... and grateful for the restful Sunday today..."Just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do." I Peter 1:15