"I want you to know how much I am struggling..."

"...for you......that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ.." Colossians 2:2......
I have had such intense pain and had to take the strong pain killer I hate to take. I really thought the pain would go away when the cancer (growing in the liver) would take care of this.
apparently not...I have lots of questions tomorrow with chemo#2..I am wondering if there will be much reacion tomorrow.So I really don't know what to write and what to say. I am praying so intensely for this CURE.And as always, I know this is all in God's hands.

"..be filled with the Spirit..."

"...always give thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:18..20...that is a really tough commandment. It does not say "sometimes" or "when good things happen", but "ALWAYS". I am not sure I think to do that. I would like to try...

Well our grandson and grandaughter and their four children, ages 6 months to 5 1/2 came Saturday , we had breakfast and opened Christmast presents, and made candy cane Christmas cookies. (well the shapes were very different, but they were good!) We had fun and we loved getting to spend that time with some of our "greats" and our grandson and his wife of course. He was one of our bunch whom we took camping or Florida every summer until he was about 14 and had a job and could no longer go. What wonderful memories we have. Our oldest great spent the night with her grandmother (where we live) and we got to be with her some.

I have had an up-and-down time. Friday night I had a severe back ache (they had asked if I had any aches and up til then I had not)...I finally took a pain pill and got a heating pad and was able to get relief, but it happened only that once..mainly I am continually exhausted and sleep alot. I make myself eat, which is not much fun. I have to remember I am still coming off the 8 weeks of radiation and may still have some of those side effects. I go tomorrow for blood work to check my antibody reaction to the chemo. I am so thankful for wonderful doctors, and medical care, the experimental chemo which is paid for by the drug company...and support from my care group at church. I am having to miss art now, because the chemo is Thursdays and I cannot come in from hours of that and go anywhere else. Maybe it will get better after I have a few more treatments and it gets to be more "routine"...Thank you God for family and friends.

"...we have a building from God..."

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.."II Corinthians 5:1

This was a 12 hour day, starting with leaving home at 6:30 and getting back at 6:30...the infusion itself only took two hours. There were 8 blood draws, involving about a dozen "sticks" because they could not get a vein to work. My veins are so used up from 8 years of needles. I cried at some that hurt so badly!. The port can only be used for the chemo and not for blood draws to check its progress....I am so exhausted and yet hate to go to bed because I have sat in a recliner chair all day!

I have a schedule and go at least once a week thru the April 11 day. That takes me through two cycles, I think. We all have high hopes for this to work.

I have sad heart because my friend, Gene, in Florida is in hospice now and it is so sad to see such a vibrant, healthy man being into this. We love the family so much and pray for their strength, and faith to uphold them.

John and I are so blessed to have friends and church to stand behind us and be here for us when we need it. So far, I can still do anything I need to do. I pray the chemo works and gives us many more days together. One family of grandson, grandaughter in law, and their four are coming Saturday and we will get to do "Christmas"...Too much happened in December and January so better now than not at all! Time is what you make it, anyway! The kids and I will make Christmas cookies like last year, so can't wait!

"Keep me safe, O Lord...."

"1 Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." you have made my lot secure. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, 10 11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. "
16 Psalms


I could not leave off part of this passage from Psalm 16 ...I am sad, at peace, and knowing I am in God's hands. The CT/PET was not good at all. The cancer has grown and is covering over half my liver. It is spreading into other places also. I said to my oncologist today--"I guess this is my last "stand".." and he made no reply. He has always been so positive and I could read his feelings. I get two bags of blood tomorrow, because I am anemic, and start the chemo Thursday (probably an 8 hour day). I am not afraid and know I am living within God's will, as I have for nearly 8 years now on this cancer journey. Who knows what a miracle this chemo might be! I am ready for it to be! Anyway, "My heart is glad" and "my body will rest secure".

"Shout with joy to God."

"Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Psalm 66:1 when I was growing up I had a cousin my age and we were like sisters, especially since mine were so much younger. Shirley was the granddaughter of Grandma's sister Aunt Emma. She and her brother became wards of Aunt Emma when their mother died of heart trouble in her 20's.Aunt Emma had a large boarding house near town and Shirley and I would ride the bus to visit quite often. When she came to see me, she always brought a quart of water (we had well water and she did not like it) and her overnight bag then Grandpa would take her back going to work on Monday morning. I would go there and we would explore streets near town. Later I even rode my bike there-about a 10 mile round trip.We always had such fun together. She is the cousin with whom I spent the week at Aunt Clara's when we were 16 and we met our future husbands. but that came much later.
When she was with me, we were country-kids. When I was with her we were city kids. We played hop-scotch on the side walk, walked to her school and played ball, and just had more fun that anything. She and her brother, Wilson also went to Aunt Clara's a lot.;everyone felt sorry for them because they were "orphans". Wilson died young , do not know what and Shirley died about 60 of heart trouble. She married John's friend Jack and they had 2 children.We spent lots of fun times together over the years. John and Jack stayed best friends until Jack died about 5 years ago.

".that you may live a life worthy of the Lord.."

Today was a long day of four hours, going in to town, being prepped (drinking the "lemonade" ) to get ready for the CT/PET.Then blood work, and being given the isotopes/sugar water that will at rack cancer cells. After this I lay in a recliner for an hour, with a pillow and blanket (not bad) while the isotopes scatter. They "glow" under the scan from these isotopes, and they like sugar. That might tell us something, about the nature of cancer? Then we took CD's to radiologist, and went to chemo nurse to sign up for the new chemo. She wrote to the company since I have had so many treatments (I think 6-8 and they said my cells matched so well, they want me in the study. According to the literature, there are virtually no side effects, except maybe the first time. As the infusion goes in there may be some allergice reactions but they will be there and can give me demoral, etc. for any problems. I receive 4 straight weeks of infusion and then 4 weeks off. Also the first time, I go almost every day for blood work, to see how the drug is metabolizing.

On the down side, I am stil weak and nauseous from the radiation and anxious to see what Dr Gray says about this. I wory about doubling up on treatments, sort of. But then I know God has planed this chemo for me, and it is the very last chance I have to kick this cancer. So I would not miss out on this for anything if I can crawl in there!

".and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power acording to His glorious might." Colosians 1:10-1

"The Lord your God is with you..."

"He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
Oh how I need God to sing over me and quiet me with His love!!! I just cannot get back to normal. So day after day, I lie on the couch...not me!!!

While lying there I was looking at a clock I have that hung in Grandpa's paint store 100 years ago. It is rectaglular in shape, with a pendulum at the bottom half. The top half has the face, hands and very faint writing (in gold of course) that says "COCA" around the top and "COLA" around the bottom . The middle has script that reads "delicious" "drink" "coca cola" and "5 c "...What a period piece! Nothing is 5 cents anymore. I can remember going in the store and seeing that clock always hanging there. We also inherited a railroad clock of a different shape from John's parents and our granddaughter has it.

I love these antiques that were family and enjoy remembering where they came from and to whom they belonged. Someday that clock will pass on and I hope it is continually loved as I have loved it.

As always I pray for tomorrow to be better, for appetite, for ability to eat, for increased strength, and lessened weakness.

"

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"

(I did it again, did not mean to close out the first verse!)
..John and I got to go to Florida for 2 weeks, just lie in the sun. That is all I felt like doing. I had lots of pain and nausea, inability to eat, very weak every day. Was that fun? John said it was. At least we were in the sun, and warm every day, usually about 80 degrees. I will anxiously await the PET/CT results this week. I have that test on Friday and see both doctors the next Tuesday. Maybe we wil know the cause of all the pain and nausea. I am not really hopeful right now, because this is the longest I have felt this bad without being on chemo. Maybe the new chemo is a miracle drug! Maybe it is what I have been praying for. I am trying to rejoice, and take hope in God and His mercy.
"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil. 4:4-6

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"