"...do not fear, I will help you..."

Maybe tomorrow we will find out about the pain and how to either get rid of it or manage it. I would love to get rid of it rather than a cover-up and more medication.

We had our care group Thanksgiving FEAST tonight. Lots of prayers, lots of thankfulness for the love we share and good things God has done for each of us this year. Several have had loved ones to pass away this year. Several more in our church family are sick, really bad. We feel so blessed for God's goodness and for the wealth we have compared to the world. We are able to withstand pain, sorrow, anything that this world can throw at us because we have God to help us and be there, "holding our hand".

More tomorrow when I know more. I did sleep last night, but have had mild pain all day today.

Isaiah 41:13...."For I am the Lord, your God,who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

"Do not be afraid...stand firm..."

A friend sent me this passage from Exodus 14:13-14."Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. ...the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I have a "still time" usually about midnight, when the pain hits. I get up take the oxycodone, then wait for about 30 minutes for it to "kick in" and that is a prayer time, and a still time. I will see Monday, when I go to the pain doctor, what can be done about this nightly pain. When I lie down, apparently the tumor spreads out and presses on nerves. I read "Caring Bridge" and other blogs, people who have cancer, wondering from others if " they feel anger toward God?" I find few who do. When you walk through such a time as we do, we are beyond anger, we feel sadness for life changed and times taken away, but not anger. God is too good and too sovereign, the given of blessings too numerous to list. He is our "deliverer".

"I trust in your unfailing love..."

"...my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Last night I wrote this blog, using part of the same Bible verses and when I "sent" it, the entire writing disappeared except for the Bible verse at the top. I wish I knew something about computers!!!

The MRI was not very good. The lower abdominal cancer is growing and causing this intense pain, especially when I lie down at night. Apparently this chemo did not work. I will have a PET next week and see what it did for the cancer in my liver. So all that nausea and inability to eat, throat soreness, was for nothing! I have been very tired and wonder where that is from? Cancer? Age? Chemo? I may never know since I am on one thing or another all the time.

A daily devotional we get had as part of it that God gives us His grace and salvation so how can we ask for more? We ask for cures and easy paths of life? Is there any greater gift than His love and grace? This is why I can sing and praise, even in the midst of pain and cancer...God has given me so much!

Next week I will also go to a pain management doctor to see if he can "cut" nerves to relieve the pain in my abdomen. I cannot imagine how this would be done but guess I will find out. I also removed myself from a Bible class I was taking. It made Wednesdays just too much and was more than I can handle right now.

This blog tonight is not very happy but this is where I am at this moment. I still praise God for His care and ask for relief from pain, and maybe find another chemo to keep me going a little longer, so I can take care of John! Blessings to each of you!

"...I will sing to the Lord..."

"Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I..."

More pain today, nearly all day...lying in bed for a nap and watching the leaves fall, I was thinking of an autumn 54 years ago...I was lying in bed, watching the leaves fall and grieving over the loss of our third baby. I was only about three months along but so excited about another child. The loss was sudden and unexpected. We were blessed the next year by the birth of our daughter, and what a blessing she is and always has been. If that child had not been lost, we would not have our
Cathy. So life goes on and good times follow hard times.

I had the MRI today and will find out the results tomorrow. I know the Bible says to not be anxious but I really am anxious to see what all this pain is caused by and what can be done about it. I am afraid I cannot stop the chemo. We shall see. Lying in the MRI machine (thank you God for the open kind!) today, I prayed for family and for God's hand to be on all of us. Regardless of how this turns out, I am totally in His care.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." Psalm 61:2-3

"the law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul...the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever."

This has been a rough week. I have been nearly continually in pain. I have never had this much pain all together in all these years, so the MRI should be very interesting. The pain hits every night about 12:00 and continues until I take several pain pills. The past 3 days, it has been off and on all day also, but I do not take pain pills in the day time, just get busy and try to not think about it.

A friend came by today and brought me a quilt, made by a group called "SEWN IN LOVE"...Quilts wrapping cancer patients and their families in the warmth of God's love...www.sewn-n-love.org "
This was such a wonderful surprise and the quilt is just right for wrapping up on the couch, and in lovely autumn colors, but great for all the time.

I pray for next week to be more up-beat and less pain, for getting totally off the chemo side effects and getting rid of the pain, so I pray for God's blessings in all this.

Psalm 19:7-8 talks about God's law, statues, precepts, commands, fear and ordinances and the perfection of all these, and how precious they are...Verse 10, "more precious than gold".

"And what does the Lord require of you?"

Today is our anniversary. John and I married 59 years ago today. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon, with weather about like today, warm, with leaves still colorful. So today, we had a very good day out, and lunch at one of our favorite restaurants.
On the way home, the pain struck me again, same as the past three days/nights. I had gone for a month pain-free, then it has started again. I surly will be glad to find out WHAT is going on. I am back on the pain meds, hoping to sleep tonight. It usually hits about 1:00 AM and keeps me awake most of the night. The pain med will eventually kick in but the side effects include insomnia. Like I said the other day, there is lots of time at night for praying.

Micah 6:6-8 ( part of these verses) "With what small I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God?---and what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

I feel more humble, as I get somewhat more ill. I ask John today if he thought I was "going down" and he said he thought so, maybe very slowly (he hopes) but definitely not as strong as a year ago. I have lots of questions for next week at the oncologist. I still want to do everything I ever could do, but there is a weakness of spirit that is new. It is a little scary, but I know my life and all I do is in God's hands. and I just want to "walk humbly with Him."