Remembering the sisters...

(My friend is blogging again for me.)

Well, today has been a hectic day of details and spinning wheels filled with phone calls from the doctor's office nurse, the hospital, and anesthesia, errands and visiting all in preparation for next week's hospital stay. We'll start Monday with an MRI and other hospital minutia, Tuesday will be the surgery, and I may get to go home Friday. The nurse says 4 weeks of recuperation without travel. We'll see what the doctor has to say. I'm hoping to hear something different since this is so emotionally confining. John and I are bummed at the idea of feeling stuck at home because now is a time when I really feel the need to get away for awhile or at least enjoy the freedom of choice in the matter. I'm so glad we took advantage of the many opportunities we've had to travel and we've never regretted one trip. I think you should always have fun when you can and every time you get a chance.

As I've mentioned, I said to my doctor that maybe we're gonna lose this battle this time. His response was that I had lost the battle 5 years ago...God knows how long you're going to live. To those who don't understand our relationship, that may have sounded harsh, and perhaps requires more explanation. My doctor is my brother in Christ. We both know that this is not our battle to fight. God expects us to do what we can, and its up to him to do what we can't. Left to nature, we're both sure the cancer would've taken my life years ago. It is only by God's hand that my doctor and I have been around to fight this fight with all the blessings God has given us. This is my 5th round in the rink against this disease because of the grace of God and I glorify him for each day he stands beside me giving me strength and peace to strive in his light. Praise to God!

I've been thinking alot of my Grandma and her sisters today. She was one of eight girls and three boys. Their mother died young with the oldest sister. TB of the bowels? This was the late 1800's, so who knows? The other 7 girls all lived into their 80s with Grandma being 98 when she passed. These sisters were a clan amongst themselves meeting for "bowl dinners" (pot luck,) summer Croquet games, winter Rook, and at Christmas time, of course...joined often by extended family. They always traded homemade gifts of pillowcases, table clothes, napkins, and the like (apparently the penchant for sewing is hereditary.)
All grew up as Methodists, but each in turn adopted the worship style of their husbands and enjoyed mutual debates of doctrine well into their senior years. Which worship style was most favored by God? Depended on who you asked, still does. Sometimes asking isn't necessary to get your ears full, never has been. Some things never change.
To add to the friendly discord, one sister or another was always cheating at Rook or shoving during Croquet. Always lots of important arguing to do to keep the family close. Polite conversation, however, required limits. For example, regarding the first marital dissolution on a nearby branch of the family tree (involving a cousin) the nasty "D" word was better spelled out than pronounced outright. Some things have changed, alot.

-So much has changed...so much has stayed the same. Life is change, God is constant. So the word of thousands of years is our unchanging rock upon which we lie and rely....

Psalm 42:5

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I praise you...

(First off, my friend, who is not nearly as articulate or as bright as I, is writing this entry since my own writing skills are hopefully only temporarily diminished ;>)...don't believe --she is wonderful...i wrote my blog and my friend typed this and transferred this to my blog...

Because of a newly discovered tumor in my brain that bled out Sunday, I can't write, spell, or read very well now. I really miss reading my bible already, but I do have a copy on CD that is helpful.
I have surgery to remove the tumor Tuesday. The good news is, it is operable, and the damage that has been done appears to be from the bleeding rather than the tumor itself. The neurosurgeon thinks the tumor can be removed completely and easily, and he is confident that it is the same cancer that we've been treating in my liver.
Its possible that I won't regain any coherency at all that would allow me to read very much at a time or write with consistency, but with lots of prayer and therapy, if its God's will, I may be able to relearn what has been lost. It may be that my peripheral vision is damaged, which the therapy could help as well. Please pray with me that such is the case.
As far as my chemotherapy for the liver tumors go, thats all on hold now until this new situation is addressed. So no more chemo until further notice.
I'm trying to be very honest and candid with my feelings as I established when starting this blog months ago primarily because I want others who are suffering with cancer and all the side effects of treatment to be comforted in understanding and knowing that they are not alone. The truth is, after coming home from the doctor Tuesday with the bad news, I screamed, I cried, I cowered in John's arms. I railed against life and the reality that we are being cheated out of joy in our lives and our living by this disease. I've no anger towards God, but I'm very angry at the cancer.
Now I've a 91 year old cousin who has newly been diagnosed with a blood cancer...more sorrow and sadness in our family.

Psalm 139:13-14,16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I've quoted these verses many times. They are some of my favorites because they faithfully remind me that God is in control, he knows our days before we begin them, and God will fulfill each and every promise that he is made to us. He is ever faithful.

I guess you have wondered why I cannot spell...I found out today I have a brain tumor, the same cancer that is in my liver and it had a bleed on sunday...the doctor did an mri today and hopefully will see the neurosurgeon tomorrow and have the surgery the first of next week. John is helping me write and seeing my mistakes as I go along. The main symptom was inability to read and compute!
Please pray for this surgery and for God who is still in control.

The Lord is my rock...

Well, chemo tomorrow, A friend at church is seriously ill with cancer complications..I hate this disease and how it robs us of our time . Our new baby is not here yet, but any day now with our hext "great". "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my Lord is my rock, in whom I will trust." Psalm 18:2
Please Lord, keep me positive!

I am grateful that the 3/4 chemo is not as harsh, and after tomorrow, I have a week off before chemo. This is the week I enjoy eating, and food tastes better.
A friend told me she grew up with her father killing hogs, making sausage, and all the farm things. We neither one knew this about each other until I put this on here and now we can share this growing up time.
The very cold time of year is here and yet in about six weeks, we will begin to see dafocitts coming up...there is always that promise of spring..also the promise of healing and redemption. Praise God!

I have had a headache so mad, I could not see...a migraine?? I have maybe had three or four headaches in my entire life, so I am not one to qualify headache strength, but was around a 10 on the bane register. I see the doctor tomorrow and need to see what on earth brought this on! I got to go to church today, not Sunday school, too many people to talk to and avoid hugs. I am still nauseous, even taking the Zorana, and another chemo coming up in two days. I must not get discouraged! Jeremiah 1:5 says " before I formed you in the womb I knew you...: O, God, heal so many friends who are battling this cancer and heal me also.

"Then He went down to Capernaum..."

This week I read and saw on TV a "dig" in Nazareth, showing a house foundation of the time of Jesus. This foundation was found in the middle of what is now a city, then a village--nothing like we picture in our minds. When we were in the Holy Land, in Israel in 1995, we saw the foundation of what is said to be Peter's house, right beside the Sea of Galilee. We also saw the floor and foundation of a synagogue of Jesus' earthly time period. We went up to Meggido and saw where Solomon's horses were stabled and saw stone mangers, which may be similar to Jesus' first "cradle". I sat on the steps of the old temple in Jerusalem (all that remains) and rubbed my hand over the steps and thought, "Jesus walked right here---at one time, His feet were on these very steps!"These of course are only a few of many things seen and experienced, but they stand out because of knowing, biblical, that Jesus was in these exact locations! I guess I am on another memory trip!
Today was another day of mixed blessings, seeing cousins from out of town and feeling the sorrow and loss of a family member.I am still feeling the nausea and tiredness, taste coming back somewhat. I was told by a church friend that I may inadvertently offended some people by telling everyone not to get too near me. I am so afraid, and rightly so, of getting any infection, especially since I was deathly ill two weeks ago. So I tell others "no hugs" and use lots of hand sanitizers, and unless a person has been in this situation, they don't realize the dangers involved in picking up bacteria when one (like me) has few red and white blood cells to fight infection. So if I have offended anyone, I apologize and pray for your understanding.
So, then " He (Jesus) went down to Capernaum, a town in Galilee, and on the Sabbath began to teach the people..." Luke 4:31

Feeling bad again

This chemo is so insidious, you feel good one day then the next, for no reason, it knocks you down again!Maybe I am emotional because of my cousin's death yesterday, but today, I have been nauseous, more than usual. My hands and feet are cracking (could be the really cold weather), and inside my mouth is sore. I just don't feel good! However I have been busy, sewing on two great granddaughters' dresses....One for the five year old and a baby gown for the newest one, due any day now. I have written cards for some of our friends who also have cancer, and the list is growing! I did not, could not, had NO energy for sending Christmas cards this year, and I feel so guilty, because we received so many beautiful cards and I feel so blessed to be remembered so nicely. So I am in a quandary, wanting to do as always, trying to do some of what I always did and just collapsing most of the time and doing NOTHING! I just hate being less than what I used to be--full of energy, getting things done on time, making lists and marking things off my list as I did them. Now I don't have the energy to even make a list, let along do much on such a list! In my Bible, beside of
Psalm 30:8-10, I have written "when God healed my cancer"...written the last bout I had and He healed me for a period of time. I would like to claim these verses again and write beside these verses, "God healed me again"!
"To you, O Lord,I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy; What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."