"To you I lift up my soul..."

Psalm 143:8, "let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." This has been a day of mixed blessings and joy and sorrow. We had a time of blessing by being with old, dear friends...we had word of one of my cousin's death and this was of great sorrow as we had grown up together and been very close. I loved him dearly and even though we had not been together much as adults, the childhood ties kept our hearts united. I would spend a week every summer with his family on Signal Mountain and he and I would ride bikes all over the mountain, pick blackberries and blue berries, which made wonderful pies. We would go swimming in the lake there and just have fun, walking all over east Chattanooga. The other cousins were younger, the ages of my sisters, so he and I as the oldest two, were able to roam and explore. I have a picture of us at ages 6 and 4, arms around each other that I have always kept on my desk, just because we were so innocent, the essence of childhood. So day of joy and day of sorrow...God has healed him now.

We are children of God...

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." I John 3:1....How precious to be God's child, to fall asleep on His shoulder, to be that child again, totally dependent on Him (this is what I would love to be like and totally depend on God) This has not been too bad a day 2, I'm a little shaky, lack of sleep last night; following the bag of steroids, I slept about half the usual amount. The strange taste of all foods is back, even water tastes like something unreal. The arthritis hit my left hand this time, and it is really sore and swollen. But still, a reasonable day considering the "rat poison" (my pet name for chemo) yesterday...I took all the Christmas decorations down today and wondered if I would be putting them up this next Christmas. I cannot help but wonder over things like this. I asked my oncologist yesterday what I should say when questioned about the growth of the cancer or whatever, and he said, "tell them you should have been dead 5 years ago--and God has kept you alive and He knows when your time is up"...and meantime, we are doing the best we can to prolong my life and see what God has planned for me. It is an awesome feeling to know I am so certainly in God's hands, and to know I am His child.

In the beginning, God...

John 1:1-2..."In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning"... I feel in such awe that God was in the beginning, before there was anything--too much for our minds to wrap around! He loved us so much, He came as our savior, and that is too much to wrap our minds around! Thank you God for your presence, your love and your grace. Today was the first chemo of the third round--more than I have ever taken. We were gone the usual nearly 12 hours, which included many blood draws, two EKG's, a heart echo and the two bags of zofran and steroids, and the two bags of chemo. The other two rounds of chemo lasted about 2-3 months each, then I got over it, hair grew back, life went on totally normal. This is so different, as I may have this as a life style for who knows how long. My hair still has not fallen out but it is really thin, presenting a hair-style problem, but I hate to shave my head until I have to. Having a 3/4 amount of chemo , I think, is going to make a difference. Tonight I feel much better than my usual first chemo night and I hope this remains. This year is nearly gone and I am excited thinking about 2010 and what the year may bring. A new great granddaughter is a wonderful happening any day now! We have a new grandson-in-law and that is also exciting. Glory to God as we welcome the new year and His blessings, we pray, for our family.

Psalm 139---my favorite psalm

I probably use verses from this Psalm more than any other. It gives me more peace than any other because of telling of God's care so especially..I guess it "speaks" to me. "Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (verses 23-24). When my sister died of cancer eight years ago, I gained comfort from this psalm and nearly daily, I also now gain comfort from it. The Bible tells us to not be anxious, yet this passage assumes we will be anxious at times. Of course, I am ready for another round of chemo and I dread the sick feelings that go with it. I had almost gotten back to feeling normal in these two weeks.John begs me to rest more and do less in daily activities and I tell him..."this may be the way I will always be, for the rest of my life, especially if this chemo cannot beat the cancer."... I think the next CT will really tell if this is working, especially by cutting back to 3/4 dose of chemicals. I know there are lots of people praying for me and that means more than anything. God knows our hearts. My heart and soul thanks all of you. To God be the glory!

"O Lord you know me..."

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways..." Psalm 139:1-3...this is one of my favorite Psalms and one I have in my thoughts frequently, partly because it tells that God knows our "days before we are born". When I think of dying, this is comforting because it reminds me of how God has our lives planed and is in control of these lives. I could quote the entire psalm, all 24 verses, and they are all such meaningful verses for my stage of life especially.
For some reason, I was thinking today of the "farm life" we kind of had when Grandpa was alive. We had hogs and I can remember the hog killing with the hog hanging from a big tree, bleeding out. Grandma made bags of muslin for the sausage, and she made "souse" and they hung the hams in our smoke house. All this is pretty much a lost art unless you live on a large farm today. One time our one cow had her calf in the front yard and that was exciting. We had another calf to be raised for eating, but we made such a pet of him, I cannot remember his being killed--I think Daddy just sold him. Grandpa raised some tobacco for a few years--this was 65 years ago--and he had a wonderful tobacco barn with lots of levels of 2x4's and tobacco sticks for hanging the tobacco on...what a great place to play--all those levels to climb and the sticks became anything you needed them to be--swords, guns, props for a tent, lots of play area. We had the chickens I have talked about and a big creek, which after a large rain was just right for swimming. I think the "swimming hole" was maybe two feet deep but it was floatable! When the creek was low, there were lots of tadpoles and these were fun to put in a jar and watch it become a frog.
Grandma and Grandpa built their house out of cedar slabs. They had lost alot of things in the depression and built this house in the country and it was very special, even featured in the newspaper one Sunday. It looked like a log house from a distance and had a big porch all around, and rock foundation and porch posts. The porch was perfect for climbing up to and sitting on the log railings. Most all I knew as a child, I learned from the evenings on that porch, half asleep while the grown-ups talked.
I depend on these memories of my charmed childhood, my dependence upon God and His knowing me and what I need. I beg God for healing and know He will do what He thinks best...after all, He knows me better than anyone else ever has or ever will.

Christmas cooking

I have always been a great recipe collector, and especially those I have used for 50+ years at Christmastime. The jam cake was my grandmother's recipe (the one who died when I was 9) and Mama used it and I always have also. The secret to the blackberry jam cake is the addition of pear preserves to the mixed up cake, making it very moist. Then the addition of Mama's caramel icing makes it perfect. I used to make a fruit cake which was from Grandma and we always made it at least a month ahead and "soaked" it in a lard stand. The cake itself was steamed in an oven for about three hours. No one bothers with a fruit cake any more, and few eat it, so this is a lost art! I do make fruitcake cookies which recipe came from a dear friend. She also gave me the recipe for the pfeffernesses and several other wonderful concoctions I no longer make. The boiled custard which is an absolute "must" was Grandma's sister's recipe. One of our children's favorites is candy cane cookies, kind of a sugar cookie, with half the dough colored red and the two colors made into "snakes", wrapped and curved into a candy cane shape, and baked. We call the cereal-nut mixture, "nuts and bolts", and always have to have this, which you cannot just eat one handful!
This has been another quiet day, seems I cannot get enough sleep, napping for two hours each afternoon. I guess I am still recovering from the infections of last week. Always in the back of my mind is the thought of resuming the chemo, dreading the feelings that follow, knowing I must do this. I started a baby dress today for our newest "great" due in a few days, and that is exciting!
God has given me a wonderful life, so far and I pray for more days, weeks and months. Psalm 118:28-29 says "You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."...

Reflecting on Christmas night

This has been a quiet day, again unlike most Christmas days and nights in my lifetime. We have enjoyed just "being", tree lights on, Christmas music playing, wondering what next year will be like??? One of my most memorable Christmas memories was driving up to Grandma's house and it had snowed that year (one of our rare 6 inches of snow) and seeing through the windows, family already there, lights and activity and the promise of family fun within. I rarely speak of Grandpa as he had died when Grandma was 73 and she lived another 25 years after that, most of it in her home.
I love the fairly new song, "Mary, Don't you Know" and especially the line that speaks of "when you kiss your baby, you've kissed the face of God..", thinking of that 14 years old young woman (which is what historians think Mary was) having a baby nearly alone in a stable, and the burden she was mature enough to understand and to carry. Luke 1:46-55 tells her response to God when the angel told her of the impending birth...She immediately says "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.."
Oh, to have that faith and assurance of being in the right relationship with our savior. I love going to sleep at night as I am praying. Someone said, "is that putting God in a bad way, to go to sleep in prayer?" I feel it is comforting, to fall asleep talking to the most important being in my entire life. So I am praying alot, fearful that I won't be here next Christmas, and who will take care of John? I have three more almost normal days until chemo starts again next Tuesday..will I ever be able to live without chemo? maybe not..but maybe we can live with it and make a fairly good life with it for a while. Forgive my rambling thoughts on this wonderful night commemorating our Christ's birth. Merry Christmas!