Trying to be positive

99% of the time I am a very positive person. The other 1% pops up too often while I am on this chemo. I feel pretty rotten part of the time and it is difficult to smile and say "I am fine" when you feel like a wind would blow you away, your stomach is in bad shape and today, first time ever, I could not get my breath really good. Was this a panic attack? I don't know but it was very scarey. We made it to church but I came home and slept all afternoon. Today someone told me they missed my smiling self, and did I feel my faith would pull me through. I don't believe God will automatically heal me, just because we ask, not do I believe He will answer the way we want Him to because we pray long and hard. God has a plan and a purpose, which I have talked about--I firmly believe this. I also believe whatever the outcome, we give Him the glory and praise for living in His plan. Our prayer, as humans, is to be allowed to live and be with family and friends. The process to get this life is going through this chemo and praying it will kill this cancer. The process is so rough, at some point we will have to decide if the treatment is worse than living with cancer and letting it take me away. So that is the 1% negative, and tomorrow will be better, no chemo this week, just the rambling thoughts of a "chemo-brain".
Isaiah 49:13 tells us that "The Lord comforts His people and has pity on those who suffer"...I pray for that pity!