Sunday, January 30, 2011

" your great mercy, turn to me..."

I have not written the past 2-3 days...I just could not pull myself out of my blues and think of anything constructive to say. I have been so "not really depressed" but sad I guess that this promising chemo is so destructive to my body that I just cannot continue it. My legs are "strutted" and swollen and terribly broken out and my feet have cracks that are very sore.My hands and arms kind of the same way. I am taking 3-4 diuretics daily. My finger nails are discolored and I may lose one nail. My food is still not too good. I eat because I am hungry but then the taste is bad. The diarrhea is barely controllable, taking 6-8 pills daily for that. I go back to the oncologist in 8 days and obviously I will tell him I cannot be on this chemo any longer. I have been off of it for 4 weeks already and still have these side effects.
I am sad; yet, I do not feel "sick". I have no pain and if I was not doing chemo, I would not know I had cancer. (except for the colostomy of course)

"But I pray to you, O Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love o, not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me." Psalm 69: parts of verses 13-16....This is how I feel right now, totally dependent on God's love and mercy, as to whether I can do more chemo or just let it all rest with Him...

1 comment:

  1. Barbara Johnson-ClarkJanuary 30, 2011 at 10:37 PM

    Dearest Bev,
    I am so afraid that you think I've let you down by not saying a word of consolation before now, but when I read the other night about how desperate you felt, I just didn't know anything to say. I have always told you that my prayer included one for me to not inflict my personal needs on you. I can't pray for you to do this chemo if it is destructive to you and hurting you so badly in every way. I want you to be well, and I want to scream that to the rooftops and the hills and across the oceans. That's how all your friends and loved ones feel, of course. But we all want your greatest needs to be met. That now must be to give you some quality of life. This chemo has not been able to allow that. So, you must do what you must do, and perhaps the oncologist can guide you in another direction-one that God is directing you to go, and our hope is that it is one of healing AND quality of life. We love you with all our hearts, and I always remind you how precious all my children are as they pray for you several times a day without ever forgetting Mrs. Bev.
    God will bless you and John and reward you for the way you have influenced so many for Christ,
    Barbara and Alan