Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..."

I know I come back to this passage so much but this especially is what I need to read tonight. I was too emotionally drained to blog last night. I stood in the shower and cried. I prayed to be like Hezekiah who had the 15 years added to his life. I knew today's CT was not going to be good. I lack faith much of the time. I am tired of wondering what is next. I crave so badly to be normal again but I know that will never be. The CT today was really pretty good. No new tumors, two were tiny increases--2 mm. each , so my oncologist was very pleased. We counted up--I have had six sets of chemo (each set lasting from 3 months to nearly a year) in the past six 1/2 years, and starting number 7 next week. Twice the cancer has gone away but always comes back. It has not gone away for nearly four years. This experimental ( my doctor feels really good about) will be tough, some bad side effects possible. I pray I will not get the worst side effects. I realize they tell all possible things (like medicines) to cover all the bases. If I get too sick they can minimize the dosage. Tomorrow I have eye exam (swelling behind the eyes is a side effect) to get a base line on my eyes. I also have a heart echo for the base line there. So this is all the bad stuff---no secrets here. As usual, everyone will say "how are you feeling " and I will say "just fine" but tonight is the truth about how I feel.

So I am thankful, reaffirming that God has "plans to prosper you (me) and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

1 comment:

  1. Barbara Johnson-ClarkSeptember 29, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    Dear Bev,
    I am so grateful that the CT was as good as it was and pleasing to the oncologist. That is a relief. And knowing the doctor feels good about the experimental is so encouraging. Hearing that you cried out to God in despair does not make me think, "Oh ye of little faith." NO. Quite the contrary. It makes me think of something one of our friends (mine and yours) said to me once. When we finally get to our lowest point, the feeling of total despair, the feeling of almost giving up, THAT is when we truly give it ALL up to GOD. That is when we are willing to throw it ALL down and say, "Here God. It's bigger than me. YOU can have it." And THAT is when HE will take it and begin to work the miracles in our lives that we are praying for HIM to do all along. So...Bev, you did what HE was trying to get you to do. You gave it up! Watch for the miracles to begin! We love you so. And I, too, come back to that scripture almost daily. It is so comforting to know that God loves me so much (even when I am not very lovable).
    Barbara and Alan