A Rough Day

Today was not so long as yesterday, nor did I receive the pre-chemo chemical, but today was a "draw-the-blood day" and it started off wrong, and circumstances which I hope do not repeat themselves, caused the nurse to draw blood 3 times an hour apart, from more than three "Sticks"....I was in tears, and do not want this day repeated!!I feel sometimes, that I have had more pain in the last five years particularly, than I ever want again!!Then I see a child with cancer, and feel, I can do anything! The next two days involve only one blood sample each day, so, not so bad. The next week is another story.
So, this is an emotional week and when I get emotional, I tend to think more of Johny and his life. He was about ten years old when we finally had a diagnosis for his problems and his future hopes. We had tried public schools kindergarten, which did not work out, private day care, which was expensive, finally was able to get him in public school; there was only one then, just for EMR (educable mentally retarded) in downtown Nashville. It amounted to mostly just day care--he learned very little. Johny had been diagnosed as "brain-damaged" which meant that at some point, before or right after birth, part of his brain was somehow compromised, leaving him perfectly normal partly and ,in his case, unable to read or write or comprehend numbers--reasoning ability.
We found a wonderful school in Chattanooga--Orange Grove--which was a private/residential/assisted workshop/which taught him to be as self supporting as was possible in his case. He went there at age 12 and lived there until he died at age 29. To "put a child out of his home" is probably the most traumatic happening in a parent's life, except the death of a child. The first year we brought him home one weekend a month and took him back that Sunday night and left him crying, and me crying as we drove away. Gradually he learned to ride the Greyhound bus home and grew attached to the boys in the school/home there and really was acclimated to being there. He had integrity, was honest, was very social, happy, and he "grew" in every way to the utmost of his ability. He loved all and we loved him so much---everything I have done, and am, is due to him and his influence on me. I think all the family feels the same way, as to his influences on us. Because of him, I went to college at age 34, receiving a BS and MS degrees, taught school for 14 years, quitting after his sudden death. I suffered much guilt for the decisions we had to make for our home, for Johny and for our other children. Gradually I realized we really had done the best we could for him. Every child deserves the chance to be as self sufficient as possible.
Through all these happenings in our life, John and I feel God has been with us and is guiding us. We were reading John 11:4 today and read where Jesus said "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God" Of course He was referring to Lazarus. However the commentary written by J. Vernon McGee about the book of John in the Bible,said "nothing will come into our lives without His (God's) permission and if He permits it, it will be for His Glory."