Friday, October 16, 2009

Waiting for Monday and thinking back ---again

Today was the CT scan day, getting ready for the chemo to start on Monday. So again, the waiting game---waiting to see what the scan shows and "has the cancer spread more?", or "What will the doctor tell me on Monday?"...And the nurse just called and told me the heart dangers with this experimental chemo will have me doing heart echo tests about twice a I want cancer or heart failure??let me think??so while I wait, I think back over my life. It seems I do alot of that lately. I grew up in the best of times---kind of like Timmy and Lassie (I even had a big Collie/chow dog who looked like Lassie, named Sandy). We lived kind of in the country, had lots of woods behind us and Sandy and I roamed these woods...I don't guess this life style is possible today. I grew up with loving parents and became a christian at an early age. I developed the habit of Bible reading every day then and it still is part of my life today. In those early years, I never dreamed how much this "habit" would mean to me or how it would sustain me!
We married soon as I got out of high school and our first son was born nine months later. When he was two we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom and we had a second son. He was very small, almost a full term "preemie". He had viral pneumonia at six weeks, strep throat at three months, and developed nephritis, a chronic kidney disorder for the next two years. During this time, he could not eat from a spoon because of a sensitive gag reflex and all food had to be pureed and given thru a bottle. He had to take growth hormone and daily penicillin for these two years. During this time, we began to realize he was not developing normally , either mentally or in developmental skills.
In the next seven years, I had a miscarriage, my husband lost his job (and got another one), both boys had tonsils out, we had a baby girl, and were going from agency to agency, doctor to doctor, trying to get a definitive answer for what was wrong with our son, Johny. There were lots of money problems, Johny had three surgeries, we really could not afford to keep our first home, and moved into my in-laws home. They moved out and boarded somewhere for us to live there!What a gift that was!
At this point in life, I was so bowed down with guilt, which remained part of my life for many years. What had I done wrong?Why had God let these things happen in our lives when we tried to do the right things? Johny had gotten the viral pneumonia in the church nursery! So our home life deteriorated, our children had few friends over, they fought constantly, especially when Johny realized his younger sister was advancing ahead of him in every way. Going to church was pretty disastrous---I lived in the "cry room". Johny was like a two year old for about 8 years. Family outings were nearly impossible, then we discovered camping. This was our mecca, our salvation for family togetherness. We and several other couples - good friends- camped for 30 years...This was where the chidren could be turned loose and they roamed the woods, building our family togetherness and their love of nature.As I wait for the "fun to begin" ...I can go on with my life as I remember it--for now, Phil. 4:6 says" Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"...

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